Epidemic of paranoia sweeps the nation

The nationwide health scare became more serious once again today as more documented cases emerged of the deadly epidemic: paranoia.

Over 55,000 cases of the pandemic have now been reported, with Wapping being the most heavily hit area. Recent victims include the Daily Express and the BBC.

Symptoms include chronic overexaggeration, pessimism and inability to breathe comfortably without a mostly useless face mask.

“Long winter ahead”

One health chief said, “I’m afraid that 0 people are already confirmed dead from the disease, with another 0 forecasted to join them over the next six months.

“Yes, it’s certainly going to be a long winter for the general public, who will be forced to sit through tedious and repetitive swine flu bulletins and updates on the news. I suggest emigrating to Madagascar immediately.”

Meanwhile, the slew of deaths caused by seasonal flu, cancer and heart disease is being diligently reported on by absolutely no-one.