An announcement from Zacharias Q. Fatcat, Tory health adviser
Tired of having a low-cost public health service that looks after those least able to look after themselves, employs more people than any other organisation in the country and is a shining example to other nations? So are we! That’s why we have dismantled it and created the new National Wealth Service, which is sure to safeguard the health of my wallet, I mean the nation.
The NWS modifies the previous health service to bring you the best of both worlds. We’ve taken all the waiting lists, bureaucratic nightmares and underfunding from the current system, but got rid of all those pesky drawbacks like impartial advice and free healthcare. It’s a perfect system, provided you are one of the few people who it makes very, very rich.
Here’s what the NWS has to offer:
Enough beds for everyone! Yes, the 300-bed mansion I’ve built with my profits from this scheme will accommodate even the lavishest of dinner parties.
Free injections! Of cash into my bank account.
More doctors, particularly the doctoring of my expenses forms
Renewed funding for inflictions including Affluenza, Moneygitis and Salaria
No more hospital food! Because there are no more hospitals.
