An announcement from Zacharias Q. Fatcat, Tory health adviser

Tired of having a low-cost public health service that looks after those least able to look after themselves, employs more people than any other organisation in the country and is a shining example to other nations? So are we! That’s why we have dismantled it and created the new National Wealth Service, which is sure to safeguard the health of my wallet, I mean the nation.

The NWS modifies the previous health service to bring you the best of both worlds. We’ve taken all the waiting lists, bureaucratic nightmares and underfunding from the current system, but got rid of all those pesky drawbacks like impartial advice and free healthcare. It’s a perfect system, provided you are one of the few people who it makes very, very rich.

Here’s what the NWS has to offer:

Enough beds for everyone! Yes, the 300-bed mansion I’ve built with my profits from this scheme will accommodate even the lavishest of dinner parties.

Free injections! Of cash into my bank account.

More doctors, particularly the doctoring of my expenses forms

Renewed funding for inflictions including Affluenza, Moneygitis and Salaria

No more hospital food! Because there are no more hospitals.

The world’s attention is currently focused on one impoverished country as the protests against its despotic regime entered a fourth week.

Yes, the future is uncertain for the United Kingdom, as crowds numbering tens of thousands continue to occupy the country’s capital landmark, Traf-al-gahr Square, to express their opposition to President Mubarakameron.

This power-hungry politician has used the country’s three-year-long ‘state of austerity’ to bypass the normal routes of democracy, assembling an unelected government and imposing Draconian measures such as tuition fee increases.

Although the police force is attempting to quell the protests with the strategic application of brutal violence, it is expected that Mr Camerubarak may be forced to step down sooner rather than later.

A Westminster spokesperson said: “Protesting against an unwanted leader is vital to ensuring that countries worldwide are run freely and democratically, and we can only offer the protestors our fullest support.

“Unless, that is, they are protesting in this country, in which case they are a despicable rabble of anarchists and terrorists who should go back to their lectures or be shot.”

Footballers’ collective lack of discretion was once again the subject of a mass public outcry after a footballer was caught posting messages on Twitter that were benign and entirely uncritical of referees.

Kevin Thug, 22, a left-back for South Dulwich FC, posted the unacceptable tweets in question and is now under pressure to relinquish his club captaincy and then hand himself in to Guantanamo Bay immediately.

“We had a good, sporting game today, and the ref did a good job,” he tweeted outrageously. “Tonight I’ll be off home for a cup of tea.”

A spokesperson for the FA earlier said: “Mr Thug is way out of line, and we expect that a public apology for his comments will follow in the near future.

“This brings into question footballers’ hard-won reputation as disrespectful, loutish bastards. It’s just not what we expect from a role model such as Kevin – he should be doing something proper, like sleeping with his teammates’ girlfriends or cheating on his pregnant wife with a prostitute.”

Bloody hell! Only the start of November, and it’s already everywhere! Can’t these opportunistic scumbags at least wait until December – that’s when Christmas actually is!

But no – every year, they start shoving all that Christmas-related tat onto us earlier and earlier. Do they know no shame?

Yes – the journalists who write about the Christmas season starting too early really are a tiresome bunch. It seems that each year, they run out of real things to write about even earlier than the last.

You just can’t get away from them! Turn on the TV for a little relaxation, and there they are plugging their latest bit of Christmassy rubbish – five minutes of news coverage they didn’t have to do any work for.

Try to wander into a shop to get away from it all, but what’s that blaring over the speakers? A radio DJ complaining about how Christmas has started too early! It’s shameless!

Here at the Mail Biter, we always bring you the most important issues of the day. Unless we’ve found an excuse to print something about Muslims, in which case we’ll drop all the important issues and run with that instead.

Which is why the Mail Biter brings you this exclusive report into the background of the prime minister, David Hussein Cameron. Is he all that he seems?

An undisclosed source that we just made up indicates that Cameron was educated at the secretive academy Al-Eton, where he was radicalised by mentor Mohamargaret ibn-Thatcher and indoctrinated into her extremist principles of monetarism and greed.

Now, he has filled his unelected government with a cabal of his closest allies – such as his sycophantic underling, Nichosama bin Clegg, and his vile right-hook man, Abu Hagueza.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with Islam, and we at the Mail Biter are accepting of all faiths and backgrounds. We just want to be told the truth. Is that too much to ask?

The Mail Biter – the voice of common sense. Lock Cameron up now and save us from this terrorist bastard!

Even the coalition government found itself irrevocably split on the matter: Should MPs vote on forming a committee to vote on a referendum question for a vote on the Alternative Vote?

The subject is being argued by households across the nation – usually under the iconic acronym VOFACTVOARQFAVOTAV – and over three MPs today engaged in fiery discussion over the dispatch box.

Keith Smog, Conservative MP for Cleethorpes West, explained the matter to The Nail Biter: “Some say the Tories are opposed to democratising the system, but we are totally open to debate on this historic subject.

“What we essentially need to decide is whether we should vote on who votes on what the vote on changing the vote is – and we are determined to involve the public on this pivotal question.

“Should the public support it, we will vote on forming a committee, which will decide a question, which MPs will then vote on, and then a date for a referendum will be set, at which point we will cancel it.”

Crowds gathered in jubilation as the group that had been trapped together for weeks was finally freed.

“I’m so happy not to be down there any more,” said one Liberal Democrat MP, who had been incarcerated in the Lib Dem Party conference since mid-September.

“It was so traumatising – stuck together in that confined space, surrounded by piles of policies we’d made ourselves, with no way of escaping from the responsibility for them.

“We were so relieved when the rescue Tory party arrived to take us away from the major decisions, and return us to our old lives where we don’t have any power.”

“We should have seen it coming,” said another member, Chris Huhne-derground.

“We were all happy working away at the coalition-face, but we knew it could collapse around us at any minute.

“On some level we all knew a cave-in was coming. And eventually, we caved in totally on most of our policies.”

The world has today convened in the septic, er, scenic city of Smelhi for the opening ceremony of the 2010 Commonfilth Games.

This 12-day festival of dirt provides the world with the unique opportunity to watch a variety of events not take place because the venues aren’t ready yet, and to watch the world’s greatest athletes not compete because they aren’t there.

The hotly-anticipated events include swimming (in mud), shit put, and long-distance running away from the athletes’ village.

“The conditions here are fantastic, and I’ve never been happier,” said some athletes who pulled out of the Games and did not travel. “I can’t wait for the action to begin so I can watch it on TV.”

There was widespread controversy this week after a renowned TV and radio regular, David Miliband, went on a vociferous rant live on air.

Speaking on his own show, The Labour Party Conference, Moyliband attacked the “huge lack of respect” from his employer, the Labour Party.

“I’ve been working for two months now and they’ve given me nothing,” he bellowed. “Yes – two months of campaigning for the party leadership and they still haven’t given me it.

“I’m very, very angry for not having been put in this position. It’s got to the point where I have to choose whether or not to go to work as a shadow cabinet minister. And, in fact, I won’t. So there.”

A few days later, Moylesiband gave a press statement in which he appeared to be calmer. “I’ve spoken about the situation to Andy, and he’s sorting it out,” he said. “Yes, Mr. Coulson gets all sorts of things done.”

Blair

A frank, no-holds-barred memoir of how Brown and Mandelson were utter rubbish and Blair was the only decent politician they had, which is why he was Prime Minister for ten years. An extract: “Mandelson’s a bastard, and Brown couldn’t lead Boris Johnson to a girls’ school! It’s bloody lucky I was in power for most of it, or the whole thing would have been an utter disaster!”

Brown

A candid, no-punches-pulled account of how Blair and Mandelson were useless and Brown was the only honest politician in the party, which is why he should have been Prime Minister for ten years instead of just three. An extract: “Blair’s a bastard who stole power off me, and Mandelson’s a poof! It’s lucky I got into power in the end, or the whole thing would have been a complete failure!”

Mandelson

An open, uncensored history of how Brown and Blair were power-hungry fat cats whose feuds destroyed the party and Mandelson was the only solid, unselfish MP they had, which is why he should have been Prime Minister instead of either of the other two. An extract: “Blair was pathetic, and Brown ruined everything! Neither of them would have been anything without me! If I’d been Prime Minister we’d still be in power right now, but I wasn’t and everything was shit!”

Which one should you buy? That’s right: none of them!