In the wake of the latest set of arrests in the inquiry into media corruption, I feel it is time to make a statement to once and for all clear the name of our esteemed publication, which has never shown anything but the highest factual and moral standards.
Certain scurrilous, reprehensible, unsupported rumours have asserted that we maintained unprofessionally close relationships with police officers and politicians, paid public servants to give us confidential information, delved into the private lives of public figures as if we had every right to do so, listened to a murdered girl’s phone messages and then deleted them.
That could not be further from the truth. We never deleted any messages. We merely maintained unprofessionally close relationships with police officers and politicians, paid public servants to give us confidential information, delved into the private lives of public figures as if we had every right to do so, listened to a murdered girl’s phone messages and then didn’t tell anyone about them so we’d be the first with the news story.
The bottom line is that tighter restrictions on the press will mean that we will no longer be able to carry out the sterling investigative journalistic work that has made the Nail Biter so well known.
We are always the first news outlet on the scene when Hugh Grant puts out his bins so we can rifle through them, or when an actress gets out of a car so we can lie on the ground and try to take photos up her skirt.
If the Nail Biter is legally censured and forced to close down, there will be no one willing to do those things any more. Until a week later, that is, when we launch a new publication that has a different name but all the same crap as the old one.
An announcement from Zacharias Q. Fatcat, Tory health adviser
Tired of having a low-cost public health service that looks after those least able to look after themselves, employs more people than any other organisation in the country and is a shining example to other nations? So are we! That’s why we have dismantled it and created the new National Wealth Service, which is sure to safeguard the health of my wallet, I mean the nation.
The NWS modifies the previous health service to bring you the best of both worlds. We’ve taken all the waiting lists, bureaucratic nightmares and underfunding from the current system, but got rid of all those pesky drawbacks like impartial advice and free healthcare. It’s a perfect system, provided you are one of the few people who it makes very, very rich.
Here’s what the NWS has to offer:
Enough beds for everyone! Yes, the 300-bed mansion I’ve built with my profits from this scheme will accommodate even the lavishest of dinner parties.
Free injections! Of cash into my bank account.
More doctors, particularly the doctoring of my expenses forms
Renewed funding for inflictions including Affluenza, Moneygitis and Salaria
No more hospital food! Because there are no more hospitals.
The world’s attention is currently focused on one impoverished country as the protests against its despotic regime entered a fourth week.
Yes, the future is uncertain for the United Kingdom, as crowds numbering tens of thousands continue to occupy the country’s capital landmark, Traf-al-gahr Square, to express their opposition to President Mubarakameron.
This power-hungry politician has used the country’s three-year-long ‘state of austerity’ to bypass the normal routes of democracy, assembling an unelected government and imposing Draconian measures such as tuition fee increases.
Although the police force is attempting to quell the protests with the strategic application of brutal violence, it is expected that Mr Camerubarak may be forced to step down sooner rather than later.
A Westminster spokesperson said: “Protesting against an unwanted leader is vital to ensuring that countries worldwide are run freely and democratically, and we can only offer the protestors our fullest support.
“Unless, that is, they are protesting in this country, in which case they are a despicable rabble of anarchists and terrorists who should go back to their lectures or be shot.”
Footballers’ collective lack of discretion was once again the subject of a mass public outcry after a footballer was caught posting messages on Twitter that were benign and entirely uncritical of referees.
Kevin Thug, 22, a left-back for South Dulwich FC, posted the unacceptable tweets in question and is now under pressure to relinquish his club captaincy and then hand himself in to Guantanamo Bay immediately.
“We had a good, sporting game today, and the ref did a good job,” he tweeted outrageously. “Tonight I’ll be off home for a cup of tea.”
A spokesperson for the FA earlier said: “Mr Thug is way out of line, and we expect that a public apology for his comments will follow in the near future.
“This brings into question footballers’ hard-won reputation as disrespectful, loutish bastards. It’s just not what we expect from a role model such as Kevin – he should be doing something proper, like sleeping with his teammates’ girlfriends or cheating on his pregnant wife with a prostitute.”
With the festive season fast approaching, the Nail Biter has invited renowned social commentator Ebenezer Smug to share some of his erudite opinions.
Bloody hell! Only the start of November, and it’s already everywhere! Can’t these opportunistic scumbags at least wait until December – that’s when Christmas actually is!
But no – every year, they start shoving all that Christmas-related tat onto us earlier and earlier. Do they know no shame?
Yes – the journalists who write about the Christmas season starting too early really are a tiresome bunch. It seems that each year, they run out of real things to write about even earlier than the last.
You just can’t get away from them! Turn on the TV for a little relaxation, and there they are plugging their latest bit of Christmassy rubbish – five minutes of news coverage they didn’t have to do any work for.
Try to wander into a shop to get away from it all, but what’s that blaring over the speakers? A radio DJ complaining about how Christmas has started too early! It’s shameless!
Here at the Mail Biter, we always bring you the most important issues of the day. Unless we’ve found an excuse to print something about Muslims, in which case we’ll drop all the important issues and run with that instead.
Which is why the Mail Biter brings you this exclusive report into the background of the prime minister, David Hussein Cameron. Is he all that he seems?
An undisclosed source that we just made up indicates that Cameron was educated at the secretive academy Al-Eton, where he was radicalised by mentor Mohamargaret ibn-Thatcher and indoctrinated into her extremist principles of monetarism and greed.
Now, he has filled his unelected government with a cabal of his closest allies – such as his sycophantic underling, Nichosama bin Clegg, and his vile right-hook man, Abu Hagueza.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with Islam, and we at the Mail Biter are accepting of all faiths and backgrounds. We just want to be told the truth. Is that too much to ask?